i think i feel change coming...
of course, it's not going to happen overnight.
but i wrote myself a letter today and made a list of changes that i would like to take effect immediately and i'd like to share them. i don't really have friends who keep me accountable of these, but that is also because i'm a hard one to try and keep accountable...i'm hopelessly stubborn.
(this letter is a little creepy, because i wrote in all sorts of persons, but i'm typing verbatim, so deal with it)
dearest self,
you've been pretty slack lately and slack is a major understatement. you're a wonderful person, but lately you haven't been yourself. you've been a psychotic, lazy, fat, timid, depressed person and we know that's not who you are. it's okay...everyone has moments, but let's not prolong this moment any further. let's name a few things we'd like to change about ourself and go from there...
1) clean and keep your room clean. it stresses you out with all the clutter and not knowing what's clean or dirty. also, you're becoming a slob and it's disgusting. you were once somewhat classy...let's shoot for that okay?
2) care more about yourself. sweetie, you look gross. you're breaking out, you're getting even fatter, and your wardrobe is so done. just because your husband isn't around doesn't mean you can just let yourself go. no.
3) go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. who the hell goes to sleep at 3 and wakes up at 12? lazy, high school people do. not sophisticated college women. get yourself together. you're not 15 anymore.
4) go to the gym more. take classes, get on the elliptical. do something instead of being so lazy. do you want to be even fatter when your husband gets home? i don't think so. you'll feel much better about yourself and you'll be much more confident which will not only help you, but your husband, as well. even if you don't lose weight, your energy will go up and you will be more motivated to get off the couch.
5) eat better. eating nasty shit now is why you're getting fatter, why you're breaking out, and why you're so lazy. your eating habits need to change. drink more water.
6) get another job. keep malibu jack's because it's wonderful. but the lack of days is not making ends meet. you've got to stop being so dependent on your husband. you've never been that kind of girl. be more independent. you're better than this.
7) think before you speak. you're known to say how you feel. sure being a bitch in high school was one thing, but now it's just not cool. we're all adults. we're all mature. i know the bitch is hard to keep down, but lock her in a dungeon or something. she's not wanted by anyone. drama is overrated. the bitch...is dead.
8) quit getting drunk. that is SO not in. you look like a fool. instead, sip on an amaretto sour (your new favorite drink) or a glass of champagne. not only will you feel better in the morning, you'll look more classy than those other drunk slobs. oh and cussing isn't classy either. try to refrain?
9) your husband texted you today and said "i am still amazed at your beauty and grace" oh god, if that man could see you now. so...let's get back to that beauty and grace before he gets home. okay? okay.
10) be better to your husband. i know just the way :)
this is all i've gotten so far. i'm sure more needs to change, but i'll stick with these for right now. i am myself's toughest critic. i know when i'm being a bitch. i know when i look like hell. i know when i'm being needy. i know when i push away. i KNOW and am well aware at what my words/actions are doing to people. i know my intentions. i know what is good about myself and i know what is bad. i am not in denial about anything wrong in my life. i've got some changes to make, because the changes i've already made have changed me into someone i don't want to be. this is all on me...and i'm ready to fix it and move forward :)
that is all.
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