"'The time has come', the walrus said"

She's gone. I guess she's been "gone" for a while, but now I'll never see her again. I've had people in my life die, but it's never been someone so close to me before. My mom's mom and my Uncle T have passed, but neither of them I was very close to. It's nice to have the whole family together. It's nice that people bring us lots and lots of food. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay. I guess they're expecting me to break down and cry in their arms, but that's one thing I refuse to do. Last night when the family was over at Nonnie and Papa's, I walked outside to the pool. The pool that I swam in as a baby when my parents were still together. The pool my siblings and I used to swim in every Sunday afternoon after church in the summer. The same pool I'd had so many birthday parties at. It was in that moment, that I let myself break down. I cried and I mourned. I thought of all the wonderful memories I have with my Nonnie and wished that Ally and Ashlyn will remember some of them. I realized that she isn't coming back and that she won't be here for Christmas's or Thanksgivings or graduations or marriages. I allowed myself the time for closure and to be at peace with her death. There's no telling how the funeral and viewing will go over the next two days, but what I do know is how many people will be there. My grandparents have touched so many people's lives and it's so inspiring. They really are the epitome of what grandparents should be and I couldn't be more proud to call them mine. Nonnie, you were always such a great role model for my siblings and me. I miss you so much and I'll miss you every day. I'm so happy that I got to spend so much time with you in the last few months of your life and I wouldn't take it back for the world.

After finally pulling myself out of a toxic marriage, I promised myself that I would never be that girl again. I swore I would never do the things I did and I swore to myself that I would never settle again. I've had a fun little rodeo and I'm still planning on having fun. But when it comes to a serious relationship, I want all or nothing. I'm not expecting perfection, but I want to feel secure and know that it's real. No sense in setting myself up for heartbreak. That's the kind of talk that might eventually lead to me being a cat lady :) Just one day at a time, that's all.

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

It's hard to change when other people won't let you. You try to be a nice person. You try not to be so dramatic. You grow up. But people constantly remind you of who you used to be. They constantly call you names that you once favored and now cringe at. The way I look at it, everyone should have a backbone. Stand up for yourself. Defend those you love. Have a kind heart and always appreciate life. It's not always sugar-coated and everyone needs a little spice.  Life is too short to surround yourself with people who constantly bring you down when you're trying your best to build yourself back up. Positivity and support is the key.

What breaks my heart the most, aside from the obvious suffering she's enduring, is seeing her like this. My Nonnie used to ride bikes around the neighborhood with us. She used to lay by the pool and yell at us of we got her precious 3-inch, perfectly poofy hair wet. She used to make the most delicious, moist red velvet cakes and bring them to every family gathering and smile while everyone awed them. Her and Papa used to have ice cream cups by the hundreds out in the garage and gave us 3 at a time even when our parents said we could only have one. She used to call us monkeys when we climbed the tree in the front yard and scream when she saw us at the tippy top. She rocked me in her rocking chair and sang "You are my sunshine" to me when I was younger. Those memories are so close to my heart. Now she weighs well under 100 pounds and can't even ambulate. She lays in a bed cringing in pain and embarrassment when I have to wipe her bottom. The sickly Nonnie is the only Nonnie my younger sisters know. If I tried to tell them all the stories and memories I have with her, they wouldn't believe me. I just wish they knew her like I do. "I love you forever I'll like you for always As long as I'm living, My [Nonnie] you'll be"

I wasn't blessed with the striking essence of a flame or even the delicate beauty of a rose; more like a dandelion among dandelions. I've got the grandparents. You know the ones: "Oh, you should hear what our beautiful first grandbaby is doing with her wonderful life." Mom and Pops are traditional, yet highly unconventional...if you can still call a blended family unconventional. Which I suppose you really can't nowadays. It's the 60-year anniversaries that get "oohs and ahs", but that's just modernization at its finest. I've got a very small handful of friends. At times I ask myself why I don't have more and then recall all the occasions where I've retreated in my shell at social events...oh the magnitude of the status quo. The cliques that start in elementary school with mommy and daddy's social classes and who participates in the PTA or not; as long as Sally wears Ralph Lauren and her daddy is the local dentist, she's automatically in the cool kids club. I never got an invitation to such a club, because I wore Wal-Mart brand and my parents were too busy juggling their mediocre jobs and five kids to attend meetings where adults act like high school kids; who judge the single mother with rice in her hair for not being rich enough to afford a nanny while she plays tennis with her snobby friends whose husbands are probably fucking their secretaries. I guess I turned out okay though. The few friends I do have are there for better or worse. For better or worse...well that's another topic all in itself, but we'll get to that. We're still concentrating on my average looks and dim personality. So needless to say, I'm no one special; just your average Southern belle with a lack of Southern charm. Oh goodness me, I did forget to mention one tiny detail: I've had 226 partners in my life (or was it 227?)thus far and I just celebrated my 25th birthday. Yeah Gramps, go on and tell everyone what exactly your first grand baby is doing with her fabulous life.

Just something I've been working on...no its obviously not about me although I may have thrown a few of my characteristics in there :) It's just a rough draft and nowhere near completion and I don't even know where Im going with it quite yet. But opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are appreciated and welcomed :)

All my life, the majority of marriages I encountered ended terribly or had some dark, hidden secret that I so luckily got clued in on. With the exception of Chuck and Tammy, what I've seen of marriage has completely altered my entire mindset on the concept. My parents got divorced. I've seen married couples cheating on their spouse way too many times. I, myself, was married. I was cheated on, I cheated, I got hit, I hit. What is the point of marriage? Human beings are selfish assholes. That's why people cheat on one another. They get bored and they move onto someone else.
I know I say this now at 20 years old, but I don't think I see marriage in my future.
Maybe when I'm 30-35.

My best friends are WAY better than yours.

I literally cannot get over how wonderful my friends are. I really can't. They are amazing and are the best things that have ever happened to me. They have been here for me since high school and I sure as hell don't see them going anywhere anytime soon...at least, I won't let them!
I don't know how I'll ever be able to tell you guys just how much I care about you and love you. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. I have so much love for you guys, that there's just hardly any room for anyone else! I connect with each of you on different levels; but then when we're all together, it's just wonderful. I know I've been saying it a lot, but thank you all so much for everything. Not even just the AMAZING gifts you gave me, but for giving with such happy hearts. Your excitement made me so happy! It kills me inside knowing that I couldn't give you guys amazing gifts. I'll pull myself out of this nasty debt and shower you with so much lavishness, you don't even know.
Aside from that, I am so happy to be able to spend this Christmas and New Year's with you and I can't wait for many, many more! You guys make me so happy; no matter what, knowing that I have you gives light to any darkness.
Okay, I'm done being a sap. To sum it all up, I LOVE YOU with everything I have.
No matter what.