"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected"

of course i'm fine and as happy as i can apparently be, but there is always room for desires, right?
here are a few of my desires, wishes, and wants (they may not all be things i strive for, but that's what wishing is all about):

i want to go riding again. i absolutely love the feeling when the horse is cantering, or galloping. it's so much more comfortable than trotting; you feel so free. it's probably the one thing that has made me feel the most free. to me, it's more rewarding than the fast-paced downhill of a crazy rollercoaster. i would love a horse of my own one day. the connection you feel with a horse is so empowering. i love riding and i especially love cantering. i wish i had done it as a kid, but i appreciate it so very much now that i'm older.

i want my husband home with me. i don't know how to describe the empty feeling i feel. and i don't want to go too deeply into, because i don't want this to be a depressing blog :) but it is not easy and it's hard to express our love every day and it's hard to care for and nurture our love every day when we aren't together. i miss his eyes, his touch, his arms, his smile, and his sense of humor that he's seemed to have lost while he's over there (which is completely understandable) but i miss all of those elements and more because i can't experience them every day. it's crazy how much you truly appreciate the little things when you are stripped of them.

i want impeccable fashion sense. i think i have decent fashion sense, but i defnitely don't have the money nor the resources to express it. also, i'm just way too lazy to put myself together. i know what looks good and i know what doesn't. i just wish i could express it on my own body and in my own home.

i want to do something weekly. not just going to the gym, but being a part of something. dance, swim, gymnastics...i might get back into dance, but im scared i'm too old or that i'll make a fool of myself.i just want to be a part of something. i want to be able to hold others accountable and to be held accountable. i want to stop being lazy, selfish, and boring. i have the same day-to-day activities and they consist of sleep, food, work, and school...and yes, they are in order of importance to me...

i want to be a good student. i don't fail. but i definitely don't excel. i barely get by. because i have no drive for school. i have no drive to do anything, and i hate that about myself. it's hard just getting up to go to school. i hate it so much. i know that it'll pay off in the long run, but i feel like ive already messed up so much in my past two semesters, that nothing is going to be able to help. no matter how hard i study...which i don't. i can't blame this on anyone but myself. and i'm not trying to. i'm lazy.

i want to feel beautiful. this ties in with the whole "lazy wreck" thing. sure, my husband tells me i'm beautiful every day, but is that enough? does he see what i look like day to day? NO. i look like a train wreck. i wake up 10 minutes before i need to leave. i throw on a tshirt and shorts, brush my teeth, and head out. oh it's awful. i don't take care of my body. i just want to feel beautiful. i did once before, and i think i can achieve that feeling again, but it's been so long since i actually liked what i see in the mirror that it just seems so far away.

well, im done with this blog for now.
that is all.